Pastor's Wife Poem
I thought the previous post would resonate with people. Thank you for emailing me. Here is a link to a poem that was sent to me. It really hits the nail on the head. The poem is too good not to keep.
Please do understand that my writing for the past few days is being driven by a deep sense of hurt and utter betrayal at the hands of some of the people we've served. Someone inside the church told me today that they have to crucify pastors and their families when asking for a transition and to not take it too personally. I fear that she may be right and that knowledge cuts me to the bone. Still, it is impossible to wish ill will upon a church that has people in it that I care about - even if they (for the most part) are acting as though they now hate me and my family. I've been warned that this attitude could go on indefinitely. I pray not.
There is this deep sense of loss that cannot be fixed. There is a longing and a wish that this is a bad dream from which I will awaken. It is as if my best friend had died but there is no grave upon which to place flowers. This is the depth of my sorrow right now.
I wrote a review of the church here http://knoxville.citysearch.com/review/9410692 in response to another review. The church we are leaving isn't any better or worse than any other church. There are some good people there. If you are in Strawberry Plains I wouldn't probably not recommend trying it. There are some really good people who go there who will genuinely make you feel welcome.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
When Pastor's Wives Burn Out
I was speaking to a friend of mine yesterday. It was a long conversation. For my part, just about all I can do is empathize and give a listening ear. She and I are both pastor's wives. Even though we are in different states and in different denominations we are each moving to new appointments because of our husband's job. Both of us are under ridiculous amounts of stress.
Wives and families are too often the collateral damage that happens when a pastor changes position. After the conversation I had to wonder what happens when pastor's wives burn out.
(And please, before the email starts pouring in, let me say that I do realize that some pastors are women and that their husbands face challenges too. It's just that I know more women well who are married to pastors than I do men. Therefore, I'll continue to use pastors wives language.)
Despite distance, my friend and I are going through similar struggles. We both love God and our churches. We hate to leave but we have no vote, no choice and no say. My job will stay the same. Her's won't.
For me, this upheaval comes at a time of natural transition for my daughter. She's going off to college. I should be happy for her and I am, somewhat. But being faced with moving has robbed me of much of the joy I should be feeling. It has colored and permeated almost every aspect of our lives.
Her senior class trip with friends was postponed because the church decided to honor graduates on the day they were to leave. Then, they decided to make the graduation celebration also a goodbye affair. That put more pressure on her to be there.
Then, her orientation weekend at college has to be juggled in between a conference we must attend and the required moving date. Her chance to go on a missions trip was superseded because she feels she needs to move her things. The missions trip fell on both sides of the moving day.
But my family isn't alone. Like my friend, there are other pastor's wives everywhere going through similar situations. What makes us unique is having the support network and the resources to be able to reach out to one another. Not everyone has that and I feel very blessed in spite of my current circumstances.
Because of the work I do with victims of sexual or domestic violence I hear from pastor's wives who are on the brink of disaster. This illustrates just how isolated we are sometimes from family and friends.
So, to my sister pastors wives I want to offer the following resources. They've been helpful to me or to friends - even if it was only to let me know I'm not in the boat alone. Perhaps they will be to you as well.
Parsonage.Org Article
Pastor's Often Succumb to Job Burnout
Bright Wings
Crosswalk.Com
Congregation members can make a difference. Talk to your church boards and councils. Get them onboard. Taking care of your pastors' family will benefit your church for years to come.
Pray for her and her family, just as you do the pastor.
Encourage the pastor to set aside quality time to spend with his family on a weekly basis.
Every other year, take up a collection to send the pastor and his wife for some time together.
Call the wife of the pastor to encourage her or send a card - it may be the only one she gets.
When you see your pastor's wife give her a hug and a sincere compliment.
Ask if you can help.
Offer to keep the kids.
Occasionally bring a casserole or give her a gift card for dinner out - even pizza is fine.
Pray for her and for her family, just as you do the pastor.
For other ideas, please see the above links.
Thanks,
Gayle
Wives and families are too often the collateral damage that happens when a pastor changes position. After the conversation I had to wonder what happens when pastor's wives burn out.
(And please, before the email starts pouring in, let me say that I do realize that some pastors are women and that their husbands face challenges too. It's just that I know more women well who are married to pastors than I do men. Therefore, I'll continue to use pastors wives language.)
Despite distance, my friend and I are going through similar struggles. We both love God and our churches. We hate to leave but we have no vote, no choice and no say. My job will stay the same. Her's won't.
For me, this upheaval comes at a time of natural transition for my daughter. She's going off to college. I should be happy for her and I am, somewhat. But being faced with moving has robbed me of much of the joy I should be feeling. It has colored and permeated almost every aspect of our lives.
Her senior class trip with friends was postponed because the church decided to honor graduates on the day they were to leave. Then, they decided to make the graduation celebration also a goodbye affair. That put more pressure on her to be there.
Then, her orientation weekend at college has to be juggled in between a conference we must attend and the required moving date. Her chance to go on a missions trip was superseded because she feels she needs to move her things. The missions trip fell on both sides of the moving day.
But my family isn't alone. Like my friend, there are other pastor's wives everywhere going through similar situations. What makes us unique is having the support network and the resources to be able to reach out to one another. Not everyone has that and I feel very blessed in spite of my current circumstances.
Because of the work I do with victims of sexual or domestic violence I hear from pastor's wives who are on the brink of disaster. This illustrates just how isolated we are sometimes from family and friends.
So, to my sister pastors wives I want to offer the following resources. They've been helpful to me or to friends - even if it was only to let me know I'm not in the boat alone. Perhaps they will be to you as well.
Parsonage.Org Article
Pastor's Often Succumb to Job Burnout
Bright Wings
Crosswalk.Com
Congregation members can make a difference. Talk to your church boards and councils. Get them onboard. Taking care of your pastors' family will benefit your church for years to come.
Pray for her and her family, just as you do the pastor.
Encourage the pastor to set aside quality time to spend with his family on a weekly basis.
Every other year, take up a collection to send the pastor and his wife for some time together.
Call the wife of the pastor to encourage her or send a card - it may be the only one she gets.
When you see your pastor's wife give her a hug and a sincere compliment.
Ask if you can help.
Offer to keep the kids.
Occasionally bring a casserole or give her a gift card for dinner out - even pizza is fine.
Pray for her and for her family, just as you do the pastor.
For other ideas, please see the above links.
Thanks,
Gayle
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Mom Never Came Home...
Mariela is 18 years old with dreams of becoming a nurse. She wants to help the elderly and contribute to society. She had all the hopes and dreams of most 18 year old kids. Now, her dream is in danger. At an age when kids should be planning for college and summer activities her world has been ripped apart. Suddenly, she is the primary caretaker of her young sisters who are aged 3 - 7. Her mother is gone and she says there is nothing she can do.
"God tells us to help others." She says. You wonder who will be there to help her.
Her mother went to work but didn't come back. The mom felt like she needed overtime pay to help take care of her extended family. Now, instead of receiving that paycheck mom faces an uncertain future with possible jail time and deportation.
The mother's crime? Being an illegal immigrant in the United States.
It is a double standard that the Latino community is all too familiar with. Parents are expected to provide for their families. When they don't they can go to jail. Society expects moms and dads to want better for their children than they had themselves. Parents are expected to meet the needs of medical care, feeding, clothing, sheltering and nurturing their children until at least the age of 18. If it takes two jobs, burning the candle at both ends, begging for food from food pantries or signing up for Medicaid parents are expected to do it to care for their children. And, parents are expected to do it cheerfully.
Parents who fail those expectations are given the label of bad parents. Child Protection Service workers open case files. Parents are sent to classes to learn how to parent and they are shunned by society.
Unless you are Hispanic.
In that case, you are labeled a bad parent for wanting a better life. Doors of opportunity that open for others aren't open for you. You can't get a job because you aren't legal. You can't drive a car to work because you may not be able to get a driver's license. The system is against you because you don't know the language, customs or traditions.
Still, the dream of a better life beckons and people reach for that dream daily. They pack into trucks or vans as they sneak to the US. Some swim the river and others walk through the dessert. They do it because of a promise of hope for a better life.
Some, never make it. Their nameless bodies litter dessert fields. Others, like some of our clients, are raped or beaten in the process. They make it to the US and take work that others won't. Some, like the victim of human trafficking that we helped, are brought to the US by family members. They are promised a job, shelter and the chance to become a citizen and are then misused in unspeakable ways when they arrive.
Always, everyday, they must live with being illegal. They are not treated as equals. When something goes wrong there may be little to no protection under the law.
And as Mariela found out, sometimes they go to work and never come back home.
The children of these immigrants are often US citizens who grow up to live, work and contribute to US society. Their parents wanted a better life for them than they had themselves so they took a chance and reached for the dream.
Would we do any less for our children?
United Methodist Church Featured News Story
St. Andrew's Center
Pilgrim's Pride Workplace Raid
Homeland Security Human Trafficking
Human Trafficking and Modern Day Slavery
"God tells us to help others." She says. You wonder who will be there to help her.
Her mother went to work but didn't come back. The mom felt like she needed overtime pay to help take care of her extended family. Now, instead of receiving that paycheck mom faces an uncertain future with possible jail time and deportation.
The mother's crime? Being an illegal immigrant in the United States.
It is a double standard that the Latino community is all too familiar with. Parents are expected to provide for their families. When they don't they can go to jail. Society expects moms and dads to want better for their children than they had themselves. Parents are expected to meet the needs of medical care, feeding, clothing, sheltering and nurturing their children until at least the age of 18. If it takes two jobs, burning the candle at both ends, begging for food from food pantries or signing up for Medicaid parents are expected to do it to care for their children. And, parents are expected to do it cheerfully.
Parents who fail those expectations are given the label of bad parents. Child Protection Service workers open case files. Parents are sent to classes to learn how to parent and they are shunned by society.
Unless you are Hispanic.
In that case, you are labeled a bad parent for wanting a better life. Doors of opportunity that open for others aren't open for you. You can't get a job because you aren't legal. You can't drive a car to work because you may not be able to get a driver's license. The system is against you because you don't know the language, customs or traditions.
Still, the dream of a better life beckons and people reach for that dream daily. They pack into trucks or vans as they sneak to the US. Some swim the river and others walk through the dessert. They do it because of a promise of hope for a better life.
Some, never make it. Their nameless bodies litter dessert fields. Others, like some of our clients, are raped or beaten in the process. They make it to the US and take work that others won't. Some, like the victim of human trafficking that we helped, are brought to the US by family members. They are promised a job, shelter and the chance to become a citizen and are then misused in unspeakable ways when they arrive.
Always, everyday, they must live with being illegal. They are not treated as equals. When something goes wrong there may be little to no protection under the law.
And as Mariela found out, sometimes they go to work and never come back home.
The children of these immigrants are often US citizens who grow up to live, work and contribute to US society. Their parents wanted a better life for them than they had themselves so they took a chance and reached for the dream.
Would we do any less for our children?
United Methodist Church Featured News Story
St. Andrew's Center
Pilgrim's Pride Workplace Raid
Homeland Security Human Trafficking
Human Trafficking and Modern Day Slavery
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Plagiarized Material
Re: Plagiarized material
I am sorry to have to develop a copyright policy. From my work on other websites I know that anything created on the net is subject to possible theft. The following is the best way that I have found to protect my work.
Please note that your choice to use of any of my articles or blog entries on your website indicates that you agree to be bound by the terms of this article.
If you link to my work all I ask is that you email me at youvebeenreviewed@gmail.com for approval before my work appears on your website. I also ask that you credit Gayle Crabtree or Gayle D'Ambrosio - Crabtree and that you link back either to this blog at www.youvebeenreviewed.net or to my profile page for the company website on which the work appears.
If my work is discovered on your website without prior authorization you are subject to the following:
A monthly non-exclusive user fee of $150.00 for each month that my work appears on your website. This time period will be calculated from the date that appears on your post or, if no date is shown, from January 1 of the year the work was discovered. The work is billed per month and runs from the first day of the month to midnight on the last day of the month during which my work appears on your site.
A flat 4% late payment fee for funds not received by the 10th of the month will be added per month.
Additional fees such as collection costs may be assessed and added to the above totals.
Thank you.
I am sorry to have to develop a copyright policy. From my work on other websites I know that anything created on the net is subject to possible theft. The following is the best way that I have found to protect my work.
Please note that your choice to use of any of my articles or blog entries on your website indicates that you agree to be bound by the terms of this article.
If you link to my work all I ask is that you email me at youvebeenreviewed@gmail.com for approval before my work appears on your website. I also ask that you credit Gayle Crabtree or Gayle D'Ambrosio - Crabtree and that you link back either to this blog at www.youvebeenreviewed.net or to my profile page for the company website on which the work appears.
If my work is discovered on your website without prior authorization you are subject to the following:
A monthly non-exclusive user fee of $150.00 for each month that my work appears on your website. This time period will be calculated from the date that appears on your post or, if no date is shown, from January 1 of the year the work was discovered. The work is billed per month and runs from the first day of the month to midnight on the last day of the month during which my work appears on your site.
A flat 4% late payment fee for funds not received by the 10th of the month will be added per month.
Additional fees such as collection costs may be assessed and added to the above totals.
Thank you.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Letting go of a Graduate.
It's funny the things that go through your mind when your life is about to change.
As you know, my daughter is graduating from high school on Saturday. She's a high academic achiever with stellar volunteer experience. Still, I wonder if we did everything right. Will she have what she needs to be a success? Have we given her enough love? Will the wings we tried to give her let her fly or will she fall? Does she have the emotional foundation that she will need later in life?
She has selected her college. Will it be the right one? A part of me wants to say "Stop the Presses!" I'm not old enough, mature enough, ready enough to have a child at this milestone! She's not old enough either - no matter what she says!
I want to bundle her up and rock her to sleep. I remember her first steps. Her terrible twos, and threes. I remember her other milestones, like the day she broke up with her boyfriend and declared "this is the worst day of his life!" when she was eight. I think of her first tooth, her graduation from Barbizon Modeling School, the first time she was on a horse, her learner's permit, the prom...
She tackled all of those things fine. I am sure she will handle what life throws at her with grace and courage. Right?
But a part of me wonders, who's milestone is this? As a parent, I wonder if maybe this crossroads is as much about her dad and I letting go of her as it is about her becoming an adult. She's got a great future ahead. She knows right from wrong, how to tie her shoes and she knows her home phone number. And yes, she knows how to cross the street and how to find her way back.
On Saturday, I'll be watching with the other parents as she goes across the stage. I'll be teary eyed (my trademark) but I'll also be letting go. We are still watching her grow up. Only in a different way. Now, I'll get to see if the wings she has been given are strong enough to let her fly. She's flexing them now. I see her perched at the edge of the nest, ready for take off.
And I believe she's going to do just fine.
As you know, my daughter is graduating from high school on Saturday. She's a high academic achiever with stellar volunteer experience. Still, I wonder if we did everything right. Will she have what she needs to be a success? Have we given her enough love? Will the wings we tried to give her let her fly or will she fall? Does she have the emotional foundation that she will need later in life?
She has selected her college. Will it be the right one? A part of me wants to say "Stop the Presses!" I'm not old enough, mature enough, ready enough to have a child at this milestone! She's not old enough either - no matter what she says!
I want to bundle her up and rock her to sleep. I remember her first steps. Her terrible twos, and threes. I remember her other milestones, like the day she broke up with her boyfriend and declared "this is the worst day of his life!" when she was eight. I think of her first tooth, her graduation from Barbizon Modeling School, the first time she was on a horse, her learner's permit, the prom...
She tackled all of those things fine. I am sure she will handle what life throws at her with grace and courage. Right?
But a part of me wonders, who's milestone is this? As a parent, I wonder if maybe this crossroads is as much about her dad and I letting go of her as it is about her becoming an adult. She's got a great future ahead. She knows right from wrong, how to tie her shoes and she knows her home phone number. And yes, she knows how to cross the street and how to find her way back.
On Saturday, I'll be watching with the other parents as she goes across the stage. I'll be teary eyed (my trademark) but I'll also be letting go. We are still watching her grow up. Only in a different way. Now, I'll get to see if the wings she has been given are strong enough to let her fly. She's flexing them now. I see her perched at the edge of the nest, ready for take off.
And I believe she's going to do just fine.
My Daughter - A High School Graduate!
My youngest daughter graduates from high school on Saturday. I can't wait to see her walk across that stage. Getting her to this point has been an uphill struggle. Pass the Kleenex please! I'll be bawling when she goes across that stage!
See, her life hasn't been ordinary. She's had stomach problems since she was a baby. Reflux they call it. At 20 months she had corrective surgery. At 5 she had a "tune-up". Things were good for her for awhile. Then, just before middle school her stomach went haywire. She was an honor roll student but missed so many classes that she was almost not allowed to go to 7th grade.
We did what any parents would do. When we found out the school was applying for a waiver so she could attend we applied to homeschool. Both applications were approved. The homeschool option won out.
And did she love it every minute of it? Well, no. But, she learned. We made sure to keep her around her friends and youth group a lot. Plus, we enrolled her in a great homeschooling group to satisfy her "social learning".
Two years later she was well enough to go back into regular school. It was time for high school and she couldn't wait! Except for a medium length stay at East Tennessee Children's Hosptial she has done well physically. During her homeschooled period we learned a lot about managing her condition and watching triggers. It also helped uncover another health condition which contributed to her stomach issues.
She attacked high school with gusto by signing up for every club she had missed and made the most of her opportunities. When homeschooled she learned that some things are worth extra effort. When she took an anatomy class it threw off her planned schedule. To fit everything in she was allowed to take an e-course on top of the regular courseload. And did I mention that she took two college classes during her high school career?
She worried that she didn't learn enough basics to do well in high school. That wasn't the case.
Saturday, when she walks across the stage she will be going with a class rank of 11. Adorning her cap is the gold tassel of the National Honor Society, decorating her shoulders is a blue academic hood and the cord designating her as a Tennessee Scholar. Her volunteer experience got her nominated for a top award at her school and she qualified as a US President's Service Award recipient.
We're very proud of her. I'm confident she'll do well at her chosen university and can't wait to see her walk across her next stage!
You go girl!
Your future is waiting!
See, her life hasn't been ordinary. She's had stomach problems since she was a baby. Reflux they call it. At 20 months she had corrective surgery. At 5 she had a "tune-up". Things were good for her for awhile. Then, just before middle school her stomach went haywire. She was an honor roll student but missed so many classes that she was almost not allowed to go to 7th grade.
We did what any parents would do. When we found out the school was applying for a waiver so she could attend we applied to homeschool. Both applications were approved. The homeschool option won out.
And did she love it every minute of it? Well, no. But, she learned. We made sure to keep her around her friends and youth group a lot. Plus, we enrolled her in a great homeschooling group to satisfy her "social learning".
Two years later she was well enough to go back into regular school. It was time for high school and she couldn't wait! Except for a medium length stay at East Tennessee Children's Hosptial she has done well physically. During her homeschooled period we learned a lot about managing her condition and watching triggers. It also helped uncover another health condition which contributed to her stomach issues.
She attacked high school with gusto by signing up for every club she had missed and made the most of her opportunities. When homeschooled she learned that some things are worth extra effort. When she took an anatomy class it threw off her planned schedule. To fit everything in she was allowed to take an e-course on top of the regular courseload. And did I mention that she took two college classes during her high school career?
She worried that she didn't learn enough basics to do well in high school. That wasn't the case.
Saturday, when she walks across the stage she will be going with a class rank of 11. Adorning her cap is the gold tassel of the National Honor Society, decorating her shoulders is a blue academic hood and the cord designating her as a Tennessee Scholar. Her volunteer experience got her nominated for a top award at her school and she qualified as a US President's Service Award recipient.
We're very proud of her. I'm confident she'll do well at her chosen university and can't wait to see her walk across her next stage!
You go girl!
Your future is waiting!
First Post
Gayle's Glimpses is going to be my thoughts on life as I live it. I'm a mom, pastor's wife, dog owner, reader, friend, author...
Surely there's enough fodder there for a blog.
We'll sure have fun trying!
See ya online,
Gayle
Surely there's enough fodder there for a blog.
We'll sure have fun trying!
See ya online,
Gayle
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